Past due

I realize that people have been blogging and commenting on the tragedy that occurred on Monday at Virginia Tech. I was avoiding doing so. I felt that anything I could possibly have to say would be redundant, or wouldn't be profound enough to do justice to the 32 lives that were taken. I realize that I'm wrong. I'm not even afraid to say that. I'm wrong. I have to admit that I have been avoiding TV more then usual, and I've avoided the headlines as well. I am without a doubt a coward. If I don't see it, it didn't happen right? If I can just focus on something else this will not effect me, right? Wrong! It effects me. Did I know anyone who attends or attended the school? No. Do I grieve for the families that lost someone? Hell yes! How does this effect me? It makes me eternally grateful for the fact that my husband attends university online. It makes me worry about the prospect of Aidan going out into the world to attend school. (it puts another drop in the bucket for the possibility of home schooling Aidan) It reminds me that this could happen anywhere! Just last week there was something on the news about a gun making it's way into an area high school. The school has metal detectors at every entrance. That didn't stop two high schoolers from being injured. I have to say that I am horrified by what happened at Virginia Tech. I am astounded that this happened in yet another school! I am confused as to how mankind can continue to slaughter each other.
I feel as though the world as a whole has been robbed of a great deal of potential. The butterfly effect is something I have recently become aware of, and something that I think is very relevant. Simply put, something that happens today can have a large effect on tomorrow. All those lives lost, in my mind, had an infinite amount of potential that will now never be realized. What if one of the 32 (or one of their would have been descendants) that died Monday would have been the next great scientist? Artist? Humanitarian? Inventor? World Leader? All that potential snuffed out by one madman. When I say madman, I am not basing that on anything read in newspapers or seen on TV. I am basing that on my belief that you would have to be crazed to go and commit such a HORRIBLE act of violence against mankind.

I can't say anything more them this: My heart and prayers go out to the families of the victims. I only hope that they are eventually able to find peace.

At a loss

Not really sure where to begin. Ian has had off from work since Weds. and I've been off since Thurs. for the wake and funeral. Ian managed to make quite a bit of head way going though the living and dining room area and cleaning that. We managed to catalog and box up a whole box of our books. It doesn't seem like much (not even a dent in the number of books we have) but it's a start. I've been in one hell of a funk. Aidan has been crabby, because of my mood? maybe, not sure. We're going to try to get some more done today, going to try tackling the kitchen next. We've bagged up so much stuff that we're just going to toss that we've filled the trash can and have no where to put the rest. which is hampering out movement. Trash day is Tuesday so that will be here soon enough to help ease some of the space issues. Determined to get this place mucked out a bit, although it seems it will never been done. The house has been in a constant state of disarray since we moved in. My scrapping space is a mess again, but it has to take a back burner until we get some other things cleaned up.
The truck has some kind of warning light on for the emission system...not really happy about this as it's a pain to get it to the dealership because of their crappy service department hours. This just adds to my annoying list of things that I need to deal with and don't really know when or how I'll deal with them. We've discussed getting rid of the truck and downsizing to some kind of car. Not sure yet if that will actually happen but it's been discussed.
I want so badly to quit work. The last couple of weeks have been the worst thus far. I'm not happy with how things have been going and have actually started looking for work (part-time) elsewhere. I can only hope that something not horrible turns up soon. The stress of working where I am right now has me very much on edge. I'm a little worried I'm going to slip over an edge into some sort of depression, which is not something I want, I don't want to be a burden on Ian and I don't want to further the negative effect I seem to have on Aidan at times. I'm tired of being moody and snapping at everyone. I don't like what I've become. Some days are better then others, and Ian doesn't seem to complain about my moods, I'm blessed with a loving guy.I'm blessed with a sweet little boy (most of the time anyway). I need to remember these things and try to straighten myself out. As a reminder to myself and to show off a picture of my guys, here they are.

Judith G Fernandez "Gina"

May 9, 1961- July 24, 2006
46 short years on this earth. She leaves behind 3 boys- Adrian (15), Juan Jr. (13), Anthony (almost 4) , and countless family members who will miss her so dearly.
I went to the wake last night and saw family that I haven't seen in several years. I was saddened to see that at a time when we should have all been thinking of Gina that some people could do nothing but make a spectacle of themselves. Why is that funerals bring out the best in some people and the worst in others? I would like to think that it's just people's way of dealing with grief. Her husband is without a doubt an entirely new breed of asshole. I never liked him but when I heard what has been happening the last week was dumbfounded. The last week was horrible, her mother and sisters took care of her, bathed her, tried to make her as comfortable as possible. It was not pretty toward the end, I don't know that I would have been strong enough to do what they did, I'd like to think that I would be able to but one never knows until one is truly tested what one can endure. Anyway, her husband J Sr. never once visited her in the hospital, he accused Linda, her sister, of exaggerating how sick she really was. I found out after the fact that they were separated. Gina wasn't even gone an hour before he was kicking her mother and sisters out of the house. He immediately started giving her possessions to his family members. He was very cruel to Gina, he burned her arms and has tried to turn the boys against her family. Well I am proud of Gina for finally standing up and doing the right thing for her boys, even during this hard time, knowing that she wasn't going to live long. She gave power of attorney to everything, her home, her boys, everything to her sister. Her husband is most mad about this, but seeing his behavior at the wake is proof enough that he shouldn't have those boys. The first day of the wake he was screaming at his MIL to get the f*** out of the funeral home, the it was his funeral home. He didn't even plan any of the funeral, her mother and sister did it all because he disappeared. He and his mother made a huge scene. This was insane in my opinion, people are there to mourn her passing not see a freak show. I am so sad for Gina's boys, I hope that things will settle down and work out . Gina's sister Lisa made a lovely flyer for the people that came to the wake, it has a picture of Gina on it (which I'll scan in as soon as my scanner is hooked up again) and a poem which I will share here.

Come With Me
The Lord saw you were tired and a cure was not to be.
So He put his arms around you and whispered "Come With Me".
With tearful eyes we saw you suffer, and saw you fade away.
Although we Love You Dearly, we could not make you stay!!
A golden heart stopped beating, a beautiful smile at rest.
God broke out hearts to prove He only takes the best!
It's lonesome here without you, we miss you so each day.
Our lives aren't the same, since you went away.
When days are Sad and Lonely and everything goes wrong
We seem to hear you whisper "Cheer up and Carry on"
Each time we see some pictures, you seem to smile and say
"Don't Cry, I'm in God's Keeping, We shall meet again one day."
unknown author

What Cancer Cannot Do

Today, May 24th 2006, 5:30 am; we lost Gina, they warned us last week that she only had a week left, but even with this knowledge it came as a major blow to lose her. I will always remember her beautiful smile and the fact that out of all of her siblings she was THE DIVA! She had such style! She will be so greatly missed. I can not imagine how her husband and boys must be feeling. She is the second child that my Aunt Liz has put to rest and I can't imagine how she must feel. I fully expect my child(ren) to out live me, it's what most parents expect isn't it? I can't put into words what I'm really feeling right now, grief has hit me at such odd times today, sometimes you just can't fight the overwhelming urge to just sit and cry in stunned silence.
I came across this poem several years ago, probably right around the first time Gina got sick. It says so much. Even though the cancer won this final battle, it still can not erase her memory, or the love that we all had for her. I'll close this post with the poem. Will try to write more tomorrow.
-blessed be everyone!


What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited ...
It cannot cripple love,
It cannot shatter hope,
It cannot corrode faith,
It cannot eat away at peace,
It cannot destroy confidence,
It cannot kill friendship,
It cannot shut out memories,
It cannot invade the soul,
It cannot reduce eternal life,
It cannot quench the spirit,
It cannot lessen the power of the resurrection.
~Anonymous

If you're prone...

to prayer please say a few for my cousin Gina. She's just been given a week to live, I just found out yesterday. Gina had breast cancer about 6 years ago, she beat it! Then went on to have another healthy baby boy (she's got three sons) . I found out a few weeks ago that the cancer was back but that she wasn't taking to the treatment well at all, she was just getting too weak. Please pray that her last days are as peaceful as they can be and that her husband and sons will have the strength to get through this horrific ordeal.