Sunday, July 30, 2006

At a loss

Not really sure where to begin. Ian has had off from work since Weds. and I've been off since Thurs. for the wake and funeral. Ian managed to make quite a bit of head way going though the living and dining room area and cleaning that. We managed to catalog and box up a whole box of our books. It doesn't seem like much (not even a dent in the number of books we have) but it's a start. I've been in one hell of a funk. Aidan has been crabby, because of my mood? maybe, not sure. We're going to try to get some more done today, going to try tackling the kitchen next. We've bagged up so much stuff that we're just going to toss that we've filled the trash can and have no where to put the rest. which is hampering out movement. Trash day is Tuesday so that will be here soon enough to help ease some of the space issues. Determined to get this place mucked out a bit, although it seems it will never been done. The house has been in a constant state of disarray since we moved in. My scrapping space is a mess again, but it has to take a back burner until we get some other things cleaned up.
The truck has some kind of warning light on for the emission system...not really happy about this as it's a pain to get it to the dealership because of their crappy service department hours. This just adds to my annoying list of things that I need to deal with and don't really know when or how I'll deal with them. We've discussed getting rid of the truck and downsizing to some kind of car. Not sure yet if that will actually happen but it's been discussed.
I want so badly to quit work. The last couple of weeks have been the worst thus far. I'm not happy with how things have been going and have actually started looking for work (part-time) elsewhere. I can only hope that something not horrible turns up soon. The stress of working where I am right now has me very much on edge. I'm a little worried I'm going to slip over an edge into some sort of depression, which is not something I want, I don't want to be a burden on Ian and I don't want to further the negative effect I seem to have on Aidan at times. I'm tired of being moody and snapping at everyone. I don't like what I've become. Some days are better then others, and Ian doesn't seem to complain about my moods, I'm blessed with a loving guy.I'm blessed with a sweet little boy (most of the time anyway). I need to remember these things and try to straighten myself out. As a reminder to myself and to show off a picture of my guys, here they are.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Judith G Fernandez "Gina"

May 9, 1961- July 24, 2006
46 short years on this earth. She leaves behind 3 boys- Adrian (15), Juan Jr. (13), Anthony (almost 4) , and countless family members who will miss her so dearly.
I went to the wake last night and saw family that I haven't seen in several years. I was saddened to see that at a time when we should have all been thinking of Gina that some people could do nothing but make a spectacle of themselves. Why is that funerals bring out the best in some people and the worst in others? I would like to think that it's just people's way of dealing with grief. Her husband is without a doubt an entirely new breed of asshole. I never liked him but when I heard what has been happening the last week was dumbfounded. The last week was horrible, her mother and sisters took care of her, bathed her, tried to make her as comfortable as possible. It was not pretty toward the end, I don't know that I would have been strong enough to do what they did, I'd like to think that I would be able to but one never knows until one is truly tested what one can endure. Anyway, her husband J Sr. never once visited her in the hospital, he accused Linda, her sister, of exaggerating how sick she really was. I found out after the fact that they were separated. Gina wasn't even gone an hour before he was kicking her mother and sisters out of the house. He immediately started giving her possessions to his family members. He was very cruel to Gina, he burned her arms and has tried to turn the boys against her family. Well I am proud of Gina for finally standing up and doing the right thing for her boys, even during this hard time, knowing that she wasn't going to live long. She gave power of attorney to everything, her home, her boys, everything to her sister. Her husband is most mad about this, but seeing his behavior at the wake is proof enough that he shouldn't have those boys. The first day of the wake he was screaming at his MIL to get the f*** out of the funeral home, the it was his funeral home. He didn't even plan any of the funeral, her mother and sister did it all because he disappeared. He and his mother made a huge scene. This was insane in my opinion, people are there to mourn her passing not see a freak show. I am so sad for Gina's boys, I hope that things will settle down and work out . Gina's sister Lisa made a lovely flyer for the people that came to the wake, it has a picture of Gina on it (which I'll scan in as soon as my scanner is hooked up again) and a poem which I will share here.

Come With Me
The Lord saw you were tired and a cure was not to be.
So He put his arms around you and whispered "Come With Me".
With tearful eyes we saw you suffer, and saw you fade away.
Although we Love You Dearly, we could not make you stay!!
A golden heart stopped beating, a beautiful smile at rest.
God broke out hearts to prove He only takes the best!
It's lonesome here without you, we miss you so each day.
Our lives aren't the same, since you went away.
When days are Sad and Lonely and everything goes wrong
We seem to hear you whisper "Cheer up and Carry on"
Each time we see some pictures, you seem to smile and say
"Don't Cry, I'm in God's Keeping, We shall meet again one day."
unknown author

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

What Cancer Cannot Do

Today, May 24th 2006, 5:30 am; we lost Gina, they warned us last week that she only had a week left, but even with this knowledge it came as a major blow to lose her. I will always remember her beautiful smile and the fact that out of all of her siblings she was THE DIVA! She had such style! She will be so greatly missed. I can not imagine how her husband and boys must be feeling. She is the second child that my Aunt Liz has put to rest and I can't imagine how she must feel. I fully expect my child(ren) to out live me, it's what most parents expect isn't it? I can't put into words what I'm really feeling right now, grief has hit me at such odd times today, sometimes you just can't fight the overwhelming urge to just sit and cry in stunned silence.
I came across this poem several years ago, probably right around the first time Gina got sick. It says so much. Even though the cancer won this final battle, it still can not erase her memory, or the love that we all had for her. I'll close this post with the poem. Will try to write more tomorrow.
-blessed be everyone!

What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited ...
It cannot cripple love,
It cannot shatter hope,
It cannot corrode faith,
It cannot eat away at peace,
It cannot destroy confidence,
It cannot kill friendship,
It cannot shut out memories,
It cannot invade the soul,
It cannot reduce eternal life,
It cannot quench the spirit,
It cannot lessen the power of the resurrection.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

If you're prone...

to prayer please say a few for my cousin Gina. She's just been given a week to live, I just found out yesterday. Gina had breast cancer about 6 years ago, she beat it! Then went on to have another healthy baby boy (she's got three sons) . I found out a few weeks ago that the cancer was back but that she wasn't taking to the treatment well at all, she was just getting too weak. Please pray that her last days are as peaceful as they can be and that her husband and sons will have the strength to get through this horrific ordeal.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Someone needs to be medicated...

and no it's not me, at least not yet. I had a wonderful vacation, it was so nice seeing everyone, and it was much too short. We went back to work on Tuesday and I ended up having one of the worst weeks ever. I'm blessed to work with a handful of very nice guys, except for one of them who has been here a little under 2 years. He started when he was nineteen and behaves like he is 3. He has disliked me from day one. I know that sounds harsh but I'm not exaggerating. When he was getting walked around and introduced to all of us, the supervisor told him the B.C. (one of the good guys) and I were the to go to people because in out area we've been there the longest and we've got the most skill sets. As soon as that was said he went from insolent to hostile toward me. He's got to be one of the most unstable people I have ever met, example- one day he'll like someone (talk to then joke with then act normal) , then the next day it's like a totally different person, he doesn't talk to the person, glares at them and is just an all around weirdo. The first major incident with him happened after I was gone for 5months when my mom was sick. I came back to work and he was a total jerk to me, started going on about how it was better when I wasn't there and that I don't do any work or help out. Which is total CRAP!! The rest of my co-workers where thrilled to see me, the most detached of them all met me half way down the line and hugged me he was so glad I was finally back. If that isn't a testament to what I do there then I don't know what is. Anyway his behavior continued to the point that with the stress of my mom still being sick and him harping at me all the time I finally went to management. His accusations we discredited for a lack of a better word and he was slightly better after that. better is still not normal under any circumstances. So I've basically ignored the poor attitude since then. Well Thursday he totally went off on me. We had a small problem on the line, and I was going to show him how to fix it and he told me he could do it himself. So I went and waited at the desk, he finished "fixing " it and we started up, the problem was still not right, so I went to fix it, this is a basic printer problem, something I can fix with my eyes closed practically, When I go to start fixing it he yells at me not to touch that he's going to call maintenance. which was not needed. So I asked him why he was calling them for something like this? and he snapped and said he didn't want to take the chance that it would still be wrong, that I could screw it up. I told him I've been trained to do this, I have the skills... He then went off, YELLED at me "not to piss him off" well that's a threat to me in my opinion. Me being me I had to say something to him, I asked him if I was supposed to be afraid of that? and then he started ranting again about how I don't help out. This coming from the one who sits on his arse all day and does nothing. Long story short I emailed management and said if they didn't fix this I was going to be looking for another job because I do not need this kind of verbal abuse and harassment from anyone.
If you've read this far wow you must really be a friend , thanks for listening, I know that was a lot. and really I condensed quite a bit. I was really almost having an anxiety attack by the time he was done yelling at me, my heart was in my throat, beating a mile a minute and I couldn't breathe and my hands were shaking. I came pretty close to walking out. I have to say that this was the first time in my life I've ever had someone talk to me like that. It was a bit over the top and out of the norm for me.