Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Hurt

I expected for parenting to get hard when Aidan became a teenager, I expected for there to be times when he would say mean things and tell me he didn't like me. I didn't expect my not quite four year old to call me a monster. He was playing with this jar of change and had decided that he was going to go play with something else. I told him to clean up his money first. He told me "No way MONSTER" with the most unfriendly look in his eyes. Make no mistake I have always known I was not his favorite person.He has always preferred his Daddy to me, I thought because daddy is more patient, doesn't raise his voice as often. He has always preferred Nana and Grandma because he gets his way when he's over there.
But tonight has convinced me that...
Perhaps I am wrong.
Perhaps he really just does hate me.
Perhaps I did something horribly wrong at some point and never realized it.
Perhaps this is really part of why Ian keeps saying we should wait to have another baby, maybe it's not just because he wants to finish school.
Perhaps this is repayment for some sin I've commited.
Perhaps this is sign.
I called Ian in a fit of tears over this. and ended up telling him that he wouldn't have to worry about me bringing up the subject of when we could try for a sibling for Aidan ever again.
I will not ask again.
I don't want another child that will look at me with the look Aidan gave me tonight.
I do not want to feel like this ever again. This is the lowest I have EVER felt.
I am sick.
I am tired.
I am done.

edited 11/4/06
A couple of people have told me this is normal behavior from a child...I accept that, although it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I've received some advice from someone older and wiser and who's had 3 boys and who always seems to me to be so patient, even though she claims it's taken her years to get that way. My fantastic mother in law! I've got a long way to go don't I Mom? will I ever get there? I hope so until then I guess I'll just have to be a work in progress and try to be the best mom I can be. Here's to it all working itself out in the end!

1 comment:

skrpndiva said...

Oh Fe, I'm sure it was just the ramblings of a child. Don't be so upset.