At a loss

Not really sure where to begin. Ian has had off from work since Weds. and I've been off since Thurs. for the wake and funeral. Ian managed to make quite a bit of head way going though the living and dining room area and cleaning that. We managed to catalog and box up a whole box of our books. It doesn't seem like much (not even a dent in the number of books we have) but it's a start. I've been in one hell of a funk. Aidan has been crabby, because of my mood? maybe, not sure. We're going to try to get some more done today, going to try tackling the kitchen next. We've bagged up so much stuff that we're just going to toss that we've filled the trash can and have no where to put the rest. which is hampering out movement. Trash day is Tuesday so that will be here soon enough to help ease some of the space issues. Determined to get this place mucked out a bit, although it seems it will never been done. The house has been in a constant state of disarray since we moved in. My scrapping space is a mess again, but it has to take a back burner until we get some other things cleaned up.
The truck has some kind of warning light on for the emission system...not really happy about this as it's a pain to get it to the dealership because of their crappy service department hours. This just adds to my annoying list of things that I need to deal with and don't really know when or how I'll deal with them. We've discussed getting rid of the truck and downsizing to some kind of car. Not sure yet if that will actually happen but it's been discussed.
I want so badly to quit work. The last couple of weeks have been the worst thus far. I'm not happy with how things have been going and have actually started looking for work (part-time) elsewhere. I can only hope that something not horrible turns up soon. The stress of working where I am right now has me very much on edge. I'm a little worried I'm going to slip over an edge into some sort of depression, which is not something I want, I don't want to be a burden on Ian and I don't want to further the negative effect I seem to have on Aidan at times. I'm tired of being moody and snapping at everyone. I don't like what I've become. Some days are better then others, and Ian doesn't seem to complain about my moods, I'm blessed with a loving guy.I'm blessed with a sweet little boy (most of the time anyway). I need to remember these things and try to straighten myself out. As a reminder to myself and to show off a picture of my guys, here they are.

Judith G Fernandez "Gina"

May 9, 1961- July 24, 2006
46 short years on this earth. She leaves behind 3 boys- Adrian (15), Juan Jr. (13), Anthony (almost 4) , and countless family members who will miss her so dearly.
I went to the wake last night and saw family that I haven't seen in several years. I was saddened to see that at a time when we should have all been thinking of Gina that some people could do nothing but make a spectacle of themselves. Why is that funerals bring out the best in some people and the worst in others? I would like to think that it's just people's way of dealing with grief. Her husband is without a doubt an entirely new breed of asshole. I never liked him but when I heard what has been happening the last week was dumbfounded. The last week was horrible, her mother and sisters took care of her, bathed her, tried to make her as comfortable as possible. It was not pretty toward the end, I don't know that I would have been strong enough to do what they did, I'd like to think that I would be able to but one never knows until one is truly tested what one can endure. Anyway, her husband J Sr. never once visited her in the hospital, he accused Linda, her sister, of exaggerating how sick she really was. I found out after the fact that they were separated. Gina wasn't even gone an hour before he was kicking her mother and sisters out of the house. He immediately started giving her possessions to his family members. He was very cruel to Gina, he burned her arms and has tried to turn the boys against her family. Well I am proud of Gina for finally standing up and doing the right thing for her boys, even during this hard time, knowing that she wasn't going to live long. She gave power of attorney to everything, her home, her boys, everything to her sister. Her husband is most mad about this, but seeing his behavior at the wake is proof enough that he shouldn't have those boys. The first day of the wake he was screaming at his MIL to get the f*** out of the funeral home, the it was his funeral home. He didn't even plan any of the funeral, her mother and sister did it all because he disappeared. He and his mother made a huge scene. This was insane in my opinion, people are there to mourn her passing not see a freak show. I am so sad for Gina's boys, I hope that things will settle down and work out . Gina's sister Lisa made a lovely flyer for the people that came to the wake, it has a picture of Gina on it (which I'll scan in as soon as my scanner is hooked up again) and a poem which I will share here.

Come With Me
The Lord saw you were tired and a cure was not to be.
So He put his arms around you and whispered "Come With Me".
With tearful eyes we saw you suffer, and saw you fade away.
Although we Love You Dearly, we could not make you stay!!
A golden heart stopped beating, a beautiful smile at rest.
God broke out hearts to prove He only takes the best!
It's lonesome here without you, we miss you so each day.
Our lives aren't the same, since you went away.
When days are Sad and Lonely and everything goes wrong
We seem to hear you whisper "Cheer up and Carry on"
Each time we see some pictures, you seem to smile and say
"Don't Cry, I'm in God's Keeping, We shall meet again one day."
unknown author

What Cancer Cannot Do

Today, May 24th 2006, 5:30 am; we lost Gina, they warned us last week that she only had a week left, but even with this knowledge it came as a major blow to lose her. I will always remember her beautiful smile and the fact that out of all of her siblings she was THE DIVA! She had such style! She will be so greatly missed. I can not imagine how her husband and boys must be feeling. She is the second child that my Aunt Liz has put to rest and I can't imagine how she must feel. I fully expect my child(ren) to out live me, it's what most parents expect isn't it? I can't put into words what I'm really feeling right now, grief has hit me at such odd times today, sometimes you just can't fight the overwhelming urge to just sit and cry in stunned silence.
I came across this poem several years ago, probably right around the first time Gina got sick. It says so much. Even though the cancer won this final battle, it still can not erase her memory, or the love that we all had for her. I'll close this post with the poem. Will try to write more tomorrow.
-blessed be everyone!


What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited ...
It cannot cripple love,
It cannot shatter hope,
It cannot corrode faith,
It cannot eat away at peace,
It cannot destroy confidence,
It cannot kill friendship,
It cannot shut out memories,
It cannot invade the soul,
It cannot reduce eternal life,
It cannot quench the spirit,
It cannot lessen the power of the resurrection.
~Anonymous

If you're prone...

to prayer please say a few for my cousin Gina. She's just been given a week to live, I just found out yesterday. Gina had breast cancer about 6 years ago, she beat it! Then went on to have another healthy baby boy (she's got three sons) . I found out a few weeks ago that the cancer was back but that she wasn't taking to the treatment well at all, she was just getting too weak. Please pray that her last days are as peaceful as they can be and that her husband and sons will have the strength to get through this horrific ordeal.

Someone needs to be medicated...

and no it's not me, at least not yet. I had a wonderful vacation, it was so nice seeing everyone, and it was much too short. We went back to work on Tuesday and I ended up having one of the worst weeks ever. I'm blessed to work with a handful of very nice guys, except for one of them who has been here a little under 2 years. He started when he was nineteen and behaves like he is 3. He has disliked me from day one. I know that sounds harsh but I'm not exaggerating. When he was getting walked around and introduced to all of us, the supervisor told him the B.C. (one of the good guys) and I were the to go to people because in out area we've been there the longest and we've got the most skill sets. As soon as that was said he went from insolent to hostile toward me. He's got to be one of the most unstable people I have ever met, example- one day he'll like someone (talk to then joke with then act normal) , then the next day it's like a totally different person, he doesn't talk to the person, glares at them and is just an all around weirdo. The first major incident with him happened after I was gone for 5months when my mom was sick. I came back to work and he was a total jerk to me, started going on about how it was better when I wasn't there and that I don't do any work or help out. Which is total CRAP!! The rest of my co-workers where thrilled to see me, the most detached of them all met me half way down the line and hugged me he was so glad I was finally back. If that isn't a testament to what I do there then I don't know what is. Anyway his behavior continued to the point that with the stress of my mom still being sick and him harping at me all the time I finally went to management. His accusations we discredited for a lack of a better word and he was slightly better after that. better is still not normal under any circumstances. So I've basically ignored the poor attitude since then. Well Thursday he totally went off on me. We had a small problem on the line, and I was going to show him how to fix it and he told me he could do it himself. So I went and waited at the desk, he finished "fixing " it and we started up, the problem was still not right, so I went to fix it, this is a basic printer problem, something I can fix with my eyes closed practically, When I go to start fixing it he yells at me not to touch that he's going to call maintenance. which was not needed. So I asked him why he was calling them for something like this? and he snapped and said he didn't want to take the chance that it would still be wrong, that I could screw it up. I told him I've been trained to do this, I have the skills... He then went off, YELLED at me "not to piss him off" well that's a threat to me in my opinion. Me being me I had to say something to him, I asked him if I was supposed to be afraid of that? and then he started ranting again about how I don't help out. This coming from the one who sits on his arse all day and does nothing. Long story short I emailed management and said if they didn't fix this I was going to be looking for another job because I do not need this kind of verbal abuse and harassment from anyone.
If you've read this far wow you must really be a friend , thanks for listening, I know that was a lot. and really I condensed quite a bit. I was really almost having an anxiety attack by the time he was done yelling at me, my heart was in my throat, beating a mile a minute and I couldn't breathe and my hands were shaking. I came pretty close to walking out. I have to say that this was the first time in my life I've ever had someone talk to me like that. It was a bit over the top and out of the norm for me.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!!!!

This month has been a month of changes. We've been eating healthy-no take out of any kind since May 1st, holy cow! We've made a budget and are in the process of finalizing said budget. We want very much for me to quit working and stay home, hopefully only having to work part time. We're close, I think we'll be fine. But I'm going to ride this stinky job until they say we're going on 12 hour shifts so that we can save my paychecks..to buy another house. I know you're thinking how we've talked and talked and talked about moving from this wretched house. Our plans have changed so many times.. we've had ups and we've had downs. If you had asked us last month what our plans were we would have said they we were going to do some more work on this, ride it out until we can move to the east coast. It seemed like the water problem in the basement was fixed...okay...fixed again... Well this week Ian went down there and lo and behold there was a little lake in one corner of the basement. We've decided, seriously this time, that we have to move. There is no definite date of when we'll get to move to East, we're tired of the stress of this house, the never knowing what is going to happen next. The weather has been fabulous the last few days, it would have been great to be able to open the windows, but we still can't do that, we need new ones, ones with screens. I was forced to put the air on yesterday, it was just so bloody hot in here. The spiders are getting ridiculous. Doing laundry is still a pain, we've got to take the cover off the main line, thread the hose over to, do the laundry while enduring the awful smell, then close the pipe back up. And good grief but this neighborhood sucks. This is a close to a ghetto as I ever want to be. There are times when it seems ok, like when it's quiet, but since we've gotten new neighbors that are way louder then the last neighbors it just sucks even more. I mean who sits outside..in the dark of night...talking so loud on their cell phone that people can here them in their houses..with the windows closed...and the fans on to stay cool while the roast in a closed in space...the answer : our new neighbors. We're just so tired...of it all. We need more space, we need more bedrooms on the same floor, we need something better. So we're going to save for a down payment, and start packing things up they we don't need out right now, and in a few months see if we can sell this one and find something else. Please God let this work itself out.

My brother Kevin

I am so very blessed to have two wonderful brothers (in-law technically). I put my Danny in the last post because I was awe-struck at how grown up he's becoming. Well it seems my Kevin is changing as well. The anniversary party for Grandma and Grandpa Kalicki was a couple of weeks ago, we couldn't go but Kristy sent pictures. (Thanks Kristy) I was scrolling through them trying to see how much everyone has changed since last we saw them. All the kids are getting so big. Anyway there I was looking through them and I kept saying where is Kevin? I went through them a few times (skipping over one picture because I didn't recgonize the guy in the picture- and you can guess where this is going). Finally I enlarged the picture of the guy I didn't recognize and holy cow!!!KEVIN!!!!??!!!! I sat there gaping. This was no longer the teenager..or the college student that I knew this was a picture of a man, no longer a boy. Time flies so fast. Kevin I've always thought you had a bit of a baby face, and that's not a bad thing! But I think that the whiskers suit you. Although I did tell Ian that now you look like the older brother! LOL!. He then asked if I wanted him to let his grow out again! stinker...lol. Keep smiling Kevin, things will get better and just think soon we'll be there to visit, I can tease you in person about those whiskers and see for myself if you're actually laughing at my bad jokes or just pretending!
I told you I'd make you immortal on my blog so here come the before and after pictures. Kevin when I first met him 1999 and Kevin the man in May of 2006!

Never forget that you are very much so loved by all of us!

Funny Danny story

First off holy cow Danny is 14....he was 6 the first time I met him (here he is as I'll always remember him) and now he's 14!!!! I have a feeling this means I'm getting old. But I digress. Here's what happened: The phone rang today, and I pick it up. and I swear it sounded like someone asked to speak to "Danny Isk-i-in" (in my head I'm thinking wow what a last name) I say to the adolescent on the other end of the phone "you have the wrong number". I almost hung up! the person on the phone says "is this Felicia?" and so now I'm totally weirded out. I'm thinking I don't know any teenage boys. I say "yes???" he says (slower then the first time) "this is Danny, can I talk to Ian" and a lightbulb goes on. Ian's baby brother, holy cow get a load of the voice... I eventually put Ian on the phone to help Danny with some research for a paper at school but wow I'm still goggling at the fact that my Danny is 14 and his voice has definitely changed. This is the first little boy I've witnessed growing up. I missed it with Kevin (mom says that his never really cracked and neither did Ian's) but wow...Danny ...I totally didn't recognize you.

here's a picture from Christmas of our future rock star!! Play those drums Danny boy, play those drums! (just don't forget to hide them when we come to visit unless you plan on sharing with Aidan! LOL) Love you kiddo!! Just do me a favor and stop growing up so fast!

One "Cool Dude"

I took this picture of my little man in his new sunglasses because the baby ones just don't fit anymore. Isn't he one cool looking dude? LOL!!!

That's his new coat too, it's waterproof and it fits so we're good to go, it also helps that he doesn't hate it.

The best intentions...

I had the best of intentions when I tried to go to bed early (midnight) last night. My neighbors decided to prove once again why we want to get the hell out of this neighborhood. The police were outside, knocking on the door at one point (1:30 am ish) and I had yet to fall asleep because of all the noise to begin with. I not really sure what was going on back there because we like to keep to ourselves and try not to pay to much attention. This annoys me because I wanted to walk this morning. But I couldn't have gotten up and driving anywhere with as little sleep as I would have had. this sucks because part of the reason I so wanted to do this walk this year is because I missed it last year. I missed it last year because my mom had been sick and had been off taking care of her and then had to return to work last March, well after having been off for 5 months going back to work was hard, both mentally and physically. So I hadn't felt up to it last year. This is a major disappoint me for me. I still raised money so that's still a plus but I wanted to go. sigh...

Long time no blog

Well let's start off with another recent pic of the little man of the house. Doesn't he look super tall in this picture? and seriously he almost looks to thin, if it weren't for the fact that I know he eats..non-stop...all day...I'd think we weren't feeding the boy, lol.
On another note I'm gearing up for WalkAmerica tomorrow morning. I must be really devoted to be getting up at 5:30 in the morning to get downtown and register and then walk 10k ( if you didn't know that's 6.2 miles). I mean really I'm usually just rolling over at that time. Bed time for me lately has been about 3 am. Anyway enough lighthearted complaining. I've done this walk 7 out of the last 11 years. So this is a pretty regular event for me. It's an excellant cause, helping fight prematurity, and find ways to improve the odds for babies that are born premature. If you are so inclined you can still sponsor me for my walk, the link is here http://www.walkamerica.org/bonnie76 you can make a donation using a credit card through their secure site or you could even pay using paypal. My personal goal for this year is $300 and I'm a little over halfway there. Thanks Mom, Thanks Tom and Jen! (don't forget this is tax deductable, print out the email that it sends you thanking you for you donation and save it for tax time next year; every little bit helps right?)
Aunt Linda I'm not sure if you usually read this (Jen maybe you can send her over) but I wanted to thank you for helping Grandma scan in those pictures that I needed, I sent out the link to view the page that I made with them this morning. I couldn't have done it without you! Also are you planning on sending me anymore pictures for Tom's page and your page?
Jen thanks for all the help on your end on getting those pictures to me too, it's so much easier if someone can nag (ahem...I mean politely inquire repeatedly) in person! You're awesome!
Can hardly wait to see you all in July! (it'll never get here soon enough and then it'll be over before we know it); oh how we live for summer vacation!
Mom and Dad in case we're boneheaded and forget Happy Anniversary (a couple of days early). We love you and miss you guys so much.

Happy Easter Everyone

Just thought I would post a few pictures of my cutie pies. I did a little mini version of my christmas photo shoot, only with a big stuffed bunny from last easter and a new beanie bunny from grammy for this Easter.

Church sign generator

We've all see the signs outside of churches, telling you what's going on at the church or with words of wisdom on it. Well someone at work found a site where you can customize your own sign. And I really liked the one they came up with. So here it is, very pertinent to this family's life.

A funny picture

of my little stinker...Just thought I'd share. He's kind of got a "you want a piece of me" look going there doesn't he?

Such an odd little monkey!

Draining

We've had a draining several days, weeks even. Everyone pretty much knows we've had pretty bad plumbing problems with our house, from the start. Well we're still having problems, last week I scheduled an appointment with the sewer and plumbing company that replaced our main sewer drain when we had first gotten the house. It just keeps on clogging. They were supposed to come yesterday between 3 and 5, but didn't show up, i placed to calls which were met with "I'll call the team in the field and have then call you" which never happened. If you wanted to describe me yesterday the only word that comes to mind is pissed. We woke up this morning to a message on the answering machine that said that they were in the area and could stop by today to do the things that need to be done. We needed the main line rodded, and leaking pipe fixed and the check vavles oiled. well I called... back they came, they rodded the line but couldn't get it totally clear. They'll be back on Tuesday with some sort of hydro thinger to clear the line. in total this is going to cost a pretty penny... which we don't really roll in pretty pennies, we had plans for the money from our taxes. Now we must rebudget some things. I'm thinking some things that could really use to get done are going to have to wait. It's so hard deciding where to use money when we get any extra. There is so much that needs to be done and just not enough money to do it. Needless to say this has been very draining on us regardless of the fact that the pipe is not draining. I'm trying to find some humor in our situation and finding very little. We are also going to get an estimate for fixing the other broken pipes under the floor in the basement. they're thinking it'll only cost about $1600. I'm not so sure that the is a sum of money that the word just should apply to...just $50 ...yes just works with that, but just $1600, it just doesn't work for me. I guess we'll find it somewhere.
So...has anyone come across any money trees lately? care to share the location with us? No? well do us a favor and keep your eyes peeled for one. :)

Sink Saga Part III

OK, so we didn't go to the hardware store again today, it seems that the trap has stopped leaking...weird, but welcome! We've decided to give it a week and see if it stays that way, if it does well then we're done... if it doesn't then it's back to home depot. But I have to say I was grinning from ear to ear while brushing my teeth this morning, this new sink is a beauty! And you have to love the fact that it's not hanging off the wall! I couldn't be more pleased unless I was living somewhere else!

The sink saga continues..

Well we have a LOVELY pedestal sink, with a LOVELY Price-Pfister faucet and paneling that has been reattached to the wall...and a leaky trap. this after 3 trips to 2 different stores. See the thing is this: the pipe coming out of the wall is 1 1/4 " pipe, and the new faucet is 1 1/4" and so was our old trap, but the new sink is higher then the old one, and well that meant that the trap didn't reach the new drain thinger. so we went on our 2nd trip to the store. They didn't have and extensions the length that we needed in 1 1/4". but they had this really cool trap with like and extendable part...perfect...but it was 1 1/2 inch...but it came with a little gasket thingy that would convert it to the size we needed. YAY good to go, right? We bring it home and guess what... we need another converter thingy, so out we go again trip 3, got there 20 minutes before the store closed. Home we come, put it all together and the one side coming from the wall and connecting to the trap has the gall to leak!!! AAAARRRGGGG!!! So we'll be making another trip tomorrow, stay tuned for "The Homeowners Strike Back!" in what will hopefully be the last and final installment of this story.

Home repair

Well all new home owners who buy an old house are bound to be in for a few needed repairs. We've had our share...the $6500 sewer line that was broken in several places, installing a shower head on one of the claw foot tubs so that we could shower, small electrical stuff (which is not all completed yet) and now the sink in the upstairs bath. The people who sold this house must have been idiots (and so were we to have bought this house, but that's besides the point). The sink upstairs is nothing more then a basic wall mounted sink. There is paneling in the bathroom, kind of like wainscoting, normally like 36 inch wood paneling, ours is not wood...I don't no what it really is but we'll call it plastic, it doesn't look horrible, but it's not great either. Anyway, the sink is mounted to the wall, and poorly mounted it is. The paneling and the sink are coming away from the wall, not this is annoying, and probably dangerous. And I am tired of having the tell Aidan not to lean on it when he brushes his teeth at night. So we made a trip to the home depot and now have in our mitts and pedestal and sink along with a pipe wrench, basin wrench, and all kinds of plumbers goop. We've bought screws to reattach the paneling to the wall and are going to try to install this new sink ourselves. Aidan is playing at grandma and nana's and we're going to try to get this all done in one shot. So once again, wish us luck, we're going to need it!

Update-

I'm back to work, still not a hundred percent better. I think the infection is probably gone, but the bronchitis isn't. I've still got the wretched cough. Came home from work today because my boss, being the genius that he is, decided it would be a good idea for my to scrub down machines and paint them today...needless to say i brought my little self right on back home, I'm still wheezing for crying out loud, why would I want to be breathing in all those fumes to boot? I offered to do something else less strenous but there was nothing. Oh well.

March of Dimes WalkAmerica

Well it's that time of year again! Time for me to start raising money for The March Of Dimes. I try to do their walk each year, (did a few in high school, and then started doing them again a couple of years ago, this will be my 5th year raising money). I didn't actually go down for the walk last year (still raised money), the weather was bad and one of us was sick if I remember correctly. If anyone would like to help me out by donating at my sponsor page that would be FABULOUS. The most I've ever raised was $250 dollars and I'd love to beat that. Remember any donations are deductible on next years taxes. If you know of anyone who would like to donate please send them here or dorectly to my sponsor page. Thanks eveyone!